So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
