I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
