Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
