i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
