So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
