Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
