The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
