I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
