where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
