The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I checked into jail on foursquare
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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