Where did you get a picture of my penis
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Boobs speak an international language.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
