I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
