She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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