He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
