1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She's JV to your varsity
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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