i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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