Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
