I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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