the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
