but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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