i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
