You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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