Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
