Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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