i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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