I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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