Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
