I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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