she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
