my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
