Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
