Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
