She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
