but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
