sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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