She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
