We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
