I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
