In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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