I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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