I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
