theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
