I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
