my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
