what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Randomize
