she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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