Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
