dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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