i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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