happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
